If there’s one conversation I’ve had more times than I can count over the years, it’s about dating standards. Whether I’m chatting to someone at one of my speed dating events, answering emails from readers, or simply catching up with friends over coffee, the subject comes up again and again. People often tell me they know exactly what they’re looking for, and they’ll proudly list the qualities their future partner simply must have. On the surface, that sounds like a sensible approach. After all, having standards is a good thing. We shouldn’t settle for relationships that leave us unhappy, unsupported or constantly questioning our own worth. Healthy standards protect us from making poor decisions, encourage us to recognise respectful behaviour, and remind us that we deserve to be treated well. The mistake isn’t having standards. The mistake is allowing a long list of preferences to become an ever-growing set of conditions that no real human being can realistically satisfy. Somewhere along the way, many people stop looking for a genuine partner and start looking for a perfectly designed character who exists only in their imagination.

One of the greatest privileges of running dating events has been watching thousands of conversations unfold between complete strangers. Before the introductions begin, people often have a very clear picture of who they expect to connect with. They’ll quietly point out someone across the room they find attractive, make assumptions based on appearance, or decide within seconds who they hope to spend more time with. Then something fascinating happens. As the evening progresses, those first impressions are frequently turned upside down. The person they thought would be perfect sometimes struggles to hold a conversation, while someone they hardly noticed at the beginning turns out to be funny, thoughtful, intelligent and incredibly easy to talk to. By the end of the night, it’s often that unexpected connection that results in exchanged phone numbers and second dates. Those evenings have taught me something that no dating app ever could. Attraction is far more complex than appearance, and compatibility has a habit of revealing itself gradually rather than instantly.

I sometimes ask people to tell me about the qualities they absolutely need in a relationship. The first few answers are usually excellent. They want honesty. They value kindness. They appreciate someone who communicates well, has integrity, treats others with respect and is emotionally mature. I couldn’t agree more. Those qualities are the foundations of healthy relationships because they influence almost every interaction a couple will ever have. Unfortunately, many lists don’t stop there. Before long, the conversation shifts towards height, hair colour, income, occupation, favourite hobbies, travel habits, fitness routines, musical tastes, political opinions, food preferences and dozens of other details that might be nice to have but are hardly the building blocks of lifelong happiness. Every additional requirement narrows the field a little further until finding someone starts to resemble winning the lottery. People wonder why dating feels so difficult, yet they unknowingly eliminate wonderful potential partners over differences that would matter very little once a genuine emotional connection had developed.

Another pattern I’ve noticed is that many dating standards are actually created by previous disappointments rather than future hopes. Someone who has been cheated on may become deeply suspicious of anyone with a large social circle. A person who once dated somebody financially irresponsible may decide income is now their highest priority. Someone whose last partner rarely communicated may expect constant texting from morning until night as proof of interest. These reactions are understandable because painful experiences naturally shape our thinking, but they can also create invisible barriers that prevent us from recognising genuinely good people. If we allow every disappointment to add another rule to our dating checklist, eventually we become more focused on avoiding hurt than creating happiness. Relationships built on fear rarely flourish because fear encourages us to search constantly for reasons something might go wrong instead of appreciating the many reasons it might go right.

One of the most valuable questions I encourage singles to ask themselves is surprisingly simple. Are my standards based on values, or are they based on preferences? Values determine the quality of a relationship. Preferences simply describe the packaging. Kindness is a value. Loyalty is a value. Emotional stability is a value. Respect is a value. Whether someone is five centimetres taller than you hoped, enjoys cycling instead of golf, prefers Italian food over Thai food or has a different taste in music are all preferences. They’re perfectly reasonable things to like, but they shouldn’t automatically outweigh qualities that actually predict long-term happiness. I’ve met countless couples who laugh about how different they are in some areas of life, yet they’ve built wonderful relationships because they share the same core values. They trust one another, they solve problems together, they celebrate each other’s successes and they genuinely enjoy being a team. That’s what carries people through the decades, not whether they happened to enjoy the same television programmes on their first date.

Modern dating has also created the illusion that there is always someone slightly better waiting just around the corner. Dating apps give us access to hundreds of profiles, social media constantly introduces us to new faces, and we begin believing that perfection must surely exist if we keep searching for just a little longer. The danger is that we stop giving good people a genuine opportunity because we’re busy imagining someone even better might appear tomorrow. I’ve seen people dismiss promising relationships because of relatively minor differences, only to spend years searching unsuccessfully for somebody who simply doesn’t exist. Real love isn’t about finding perfection. It’s about discovering someone whose strengths complement yours, whose weaknesses you can accept, and whose company makes ordinary days feel better than they would otherwise have been. That kind of connection can’t be measured from a profile photo or summarised by a checklist.

Confidence also plays a much bigger role in this conversation than many people realise. Truly confident people tend to hold healthy standards without becoming rigid about them. They know who they are, they know what matters most, and they don’t panic if every single box isn’t ticked immediately. In contrast, people who lack confidence sometimes rely on increasingly detailed standards as a way of protecting themselves from uncertainty. The checklist becomes a shield because if nobody qualifies, then nobody gets close enough to disappoint them. Unfortunately, that strategy may protect the heart in the short term, but it also prevents the heart from experiencing the very relationship it longs for. Every worthwhile relationship involves some degree of vulnerability. There is no checklist comprehensive enough to eliminate every possible risk, and there never will be. At some point we all have to decide whether we’re willing to know another person rather than simply evaluate them.

I’ve often smiled when happily married couples tell me the story of how they met because so many of them begin with the same sentence. “They weren’t actually my usual type.” I love hearing that because it reminds us that life doesn’t always follow our carefully prepared plans. Sometimes the person who changes your life arrives wrapped in completely different packaging from what you expected. Sometimes the quiet person at the end of the table has the warmest heart in the room. Sometimes the relationship that lasts forty years begins with two people who almost cancelled their first date. If either of them had insisted on every preference being satisfied before saying yes, they might never have discovered the extraordinary future waiting for them.

So if you’re currently single, I’d encourage you to keep your standards high, but make sure they’re high in the areas that genuinely matter. Never compromise on honesty, respect, kindness, loyalty or emotional maturity because those qualities shape the character of a relationship every single day. At the same time, be willing to hold your preferences a little more lightly. Allow yourself to be pleasantly surprised by someone who doesn’t perfectly match the picture in your mind but makes you feel comfortable, valued and genuinely happy when you’re together. In my experience, the strongest relationships rarely begin because two people matched every item on each other’s list. They begin because two imperfect people recognised something much more important than perfection. They recognised character, they recognised potential, and they recognised that the best relationships are built one conversation, one laugh and one shared experience at a time. If you can approach dating with that mindset, you’ll stop searching for the perfect person and start recognising the right one when they walk into your life.