Tweet

Dating in the modern world has become an experiment in trends, and one of the most viral ones floating through YouTube and TikTok lately is something people are calling “date them till you hate them.” On the surface it sounds cheeky, maybe even funny, but when you dig deeper it actually reflects a very real and very troubling shift in how some people are approaching relationships. The idea is simple: instead of breaking up when you sense the connection is gone or when you know deep down the other person isn’t right for you, you hang on until resentment builds so high that leaving feels inevitable. Rather than dealing with the discomfort of honest conversations, you drag things out until the spark dies completely. It’s a modern twist on avoidance, and it’s resonating with millions of people because almost everyone has seen or experienced something like it.

What makes this trend stand out is that it captures the kind of passive breakups many people have endured. Maybe you’ve dated someone and everything felt fine on the surface, but deep down you knew it wasn’t right. Instead of confronting it, you carried on, perhaps for months or even years, until every little thing about them became unbearable. Their laugh, which once melted you, suddenly grated your nerves. Their quirks, which once felt charming, started to look like dealbreakers. By the end, you didn’t just feel ready to break up — you almost despised them. And the strange part is that some people are leaning into this, as if it’s a strategy to protect themselves from the guilt of ending something “too soon.”

Psychologists who talk about this on YouTube and in podcasts often point out that trends like this are really just defense mechanisms dressed up as dating advice. People fear confrontation. They fear hurting someone else’s feelings. And they fear the backlash of ending a relationship too early, being told by friends or family that they didn’t try hard enough. “Date them till you hate them” is basically the emotional loophole. If you wait until it’s unbearable, no one can question why you left. The problem, of course, is that by then you’ve probably inflicted unnecessary hurt on both sides.

In New Zealand, where dating already comes with a fair share of challenges — small communities, everyone knowing everyone, limited pools in smaller towns — this trend might hit differently. If you date someone in your circle and you follow this philosophy, the fallout isn’t just between the two of you. It spills into mutual friends, workmates, sports clubs, and church communities. Dragging a relationship out until it implodes means the split becomes messy, bitter, and obvious to everyone watching. Rather than an amicable separation, it can become a cautionary tale that shadows you into your next relationship.

There’s also a mental health cost. Staying with someone you know isn’t right often creates a form of emotional numbness. You stop investing fully, you stop being honest, and you may even start small acts of sabotage to justify why you’re feeling the way you do. These patterns, repeated often enough, bleed into the way you approach all relationships. You start to believe that disappointment and slow fades are normal, when in reality they’re not. Healthy relationships don’t need to end in bitterness.

So why is this trend getting traction? In part because it’s relatable. Social media thrives on shared pain, and millions of people have quietly admitted they’ve stayed too long in a relationship. Seeing it expressed as a “thing” makes them feel less alone. Another reason is that modern dating often leaves people emotionally exhausted. With ghosting, breadcrumbing, and endless swiping, the idea of an easy way out — even if it’s dysfunctional — feels comforting. People tell themselves, “At least if I stick it out till I hate them, I won’t regret leaving.”

But is it healthy? Most experts would argue no. The healthier alternative is practicing early honesty. If you feel doubts that persist, you owe it to yourself and your partner to voice them. That doesn’t mean breaking up at the first hiccup, but it does mean having courageous conversations before things deteriorate. Saying, “I feel like we’re not connecting the way we should,” or “I’m not sure this is the right fit long term” may be awkward, but it’s far kinder than letting resentment rot the relationship.

I’ve seen this play out in local stories. One woman in Auckland admitted on a radio call-in show that she stayed with her partner for two years even though she knew in the first six months he wasn’t “the one.” Why? She didn’t want to be the bad guy. By the time she ended it, he despised her, claiming she wasted his time, and she carried guilt that maybe she had. That’s the trap of this trend — it tries to shift responsibility off your shoulders, but in reality, it makes the outcome worse.

There’s also an irony to “date them till you hate them.” It assumes you’ll always end up hating the person, but sometimes staying too long doesn’t build hate, it builds complacency. You slip into comfort zones, tolerating mediocrity rather than facing loneliness. And so you don’t leave at all. You marry them. You build a life with them. And decades later you look back and wonder what would’ve happened if you’d had the courage to admit it wasn’t right when you first knew. That’s not just a dating trend — that’s a life-altering decision.

In some ways, this philosophy reflects a deeper issue in modern relationships: we’ve lost practice in having difficult conversations. Technology makes it easy to hide, easy to swipe, easy to disappear. Confrontation feels harder than ever. So when we’re in something that doesn’t feel right, we procrastinate. We scroll, we vent to friends, we post vague TikToks about our “situation,” but we don’t talk to the person sitting across from us. And in that silence, things fester.

If you find yourself tempted by this trend, ask yourself: what am I afraid of? If it’s loneliness, that’s something you can face head-on and grow through. If it’s guilt, remind yourself that honesty delivered with kindness is never cruel. If it’s fear of what people will say, know that dragging something out is more damaging in the long run. Dating is already messy. Choosing to let someone go with dignity is one of the bravest and most compassionate things you can do.

The truth is, love always carries risk. There’s no avoiding pain completely. Breakups hurt, whether they happen after two months or two years. But the pain of honesty is clean. It allows healing to begin quickly. The pain of dragging something until it curdles is messy, confusing, and often leaves scars.

So no, “date them till you hate them” isn’t healthy, and it isn’t a strategy worth glorifying. It’s just another viral trend that reflects the discomfort people feel about taking responsibility in relationships. The healthier alternative isn’t flashy enough to go viral, but it’s timeless: listen to your instincts, speak up when doubts persist, and leave with kindness when it’s clear the connection isn’t right. That’s not just a way to date better — it’s a way to build the kind of self-respect that attracts healthier love in the future.

When you look back on your dating history, do you really want to remember all the people you “dated until you hated”? Or do you want to remember that you loved bravely, spoke truthfully, and let people go with grace? That choice is always yours, no matter what TikTok says.