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Dating culture has always had its own strange dictionary. Every few months a new term gets invented to describe the way people are treating each other, and social media makes it spread like wildfire. We’ve already had ghosting, breadcrumbing, orbiting, and situationships, and now there’s a new phrase that has popped up and is making waves on YouTube and TikTok: floodlighting. It might sound like something to do with a rugby stadium in Hamilton, but it’s actually the latest toxic dating behaviour that many Gen Z daters are suddenly realising they’ve either experienced or done to someone else.

So what exactly is floodlighting? At its core, floodlighting is when someone overwhelms you with attention, affection, and declarations of interest, but it’s all artificial. They aren’t actually invested in a relationship with you. They turn the lights up so bright that you feel dazzled and wanted, but the minute you start to trust it, the lights go out. Floodlighting is like emotional overexposure. Instead of being consistent and real, the person showers you with love-bombing intensity but never follows through with genuine commitment. It leaves you feeling confused, hurt, and often questioning your own sense of reality.

You can think of it like a modern cousin to love-bombing, but with a slightly different twist. Love-bombing often has manipulative intent — it’s about control. Floodlighting, on the other hand, can sometimes be less calculated and more about insecurity or immaturity. A person might floodlight because they crave validation. They get a high out of making someone else feel adored, but they don’t have the emotional maturity to sustain it. They bask in the glow of your gratitude, then when they’ve had enough, they move on, leaving you in the dark.

This trend resonates strongly with younger generations because it captures that whiplash feeling so common in modern dating. One week you’re getting good morning texts, random flowers delivered, long calls before bed, and Instagram stories tagging you. The next week you’re lucky if you get a single reply to a message. The contrast is so sharp it feels like you’ve stepped into a different relationship. And that’s the very essence of floodlighting — it’s unsustainable intensity followed by emotional withdrawal.

In New Zealand, where dating scenes are smaller and communities are tighter, floodlighting can feel even more brutal. Imagine meeting someone in Wellington or Dunedin who seems like the perfect match. They flood you with excitement — taking you on big gestures, hyping you up, making you feel like the only person in the world. Then suddenly, they cool off. In a small community, you’re left not only dealing with the hurt, but also running into them at the supermarket or hearing their name pop up at your flat party. Floodlighting doesn’t just end with a switch-off; it lingers like a hangover.

Part of the reason floodlighting is getting traction online is because it feels so relatable in the dating app era. Apps encourage extremes — swipe culture is about making fast impressions. If you want to stand out, you come in hot. You send multiple messages, you double-tap every photo, you tell someone they’re incredible within days. That might feel exciting at first, but it often isn’t sustainable. People can’t keep up that level of intensity, and when reality sets in, the other person is left wondering if they ever meant a word of it.

What makes floodlighting so damaging is the emotional confusion it creates. When someone drowns you in affection and then backs away, it messes with your sense of self-worth. You replay the memories and wonder, “Did I misread everything?” The human brain struggles with inconsistency, and when you’re dealing with romance, inconsistency feels like rejection. It can even lead to self-blame. People start thinking, “What did I do wrong? Why did they change?” In truth, floodlighting isn’t usually about the victim at all — it’s about the person doing it and their inability to balance excitement with emotional honesty.

Some creators argue that floodlighting is just another name for immaturity. It’s the way people date when they’re not self-aware enough to recognise their own patterns. They chase the thrill of early connection but aren’t prepared to build anything real. Others argue that it’s a form of emotional recklessness, and like reckless driving, it leaves unnecessary wreckage behind.

So how do you spot floodlighting before you get caught in it? Look for extremes. If someone is coming on very strong very fast — showering you with declarations, texting constantly, making future plans before they really know you — take a pause. Consistency is the true measure of interest. Someone who cares about you will show up in small steady ways, not just dramatic bursts. If you notice the energy doesn’t match their actual actions — for example, they say you’re the love of their life but they cancel dates or never follow through — that’s a red flag.

It’s important too to reflect on whether you’ve ever floodlighted someone else. Many people don’t even realise they’re doing it. Maybe you met someone and got swept up in the honeymoon energy. You sent daily voice notes, you liked all their posts, you introduced them to your mates after two weeks. Then one day the novelty wore off, and you pulled back, leaving them confused. That’s floodlighting too, even if you never intended to hurt them.

The antidote to floodlighting is self-awareness and pacing. Healthy relationships build gradually. Attraction is natural, excitement is natural, but consistency is what proves care. Instead of floodlighting, people can practice warm steady connection: being honest about their feelings, not overpromising, and not giving more than they can actually sustain long term. It might not look as exciting on TikTok, but it’s how real love is built.

In the end, floodlighting is just another reflection of the chaotic state of modern dating. People are desperate for connection but often go about it in extremes. It’s easier to light someone up like a stadium than it is to show up as your imperfect self and grow something genuine. But the truth is, the most meaningful relationships aren’t about blinding intensity. They’re about steady glow, small acts of care, and consistency over time.

If you’re dating right now and worried about this trend, remind yourself of this: don’t be dazzled by someone who burns too bright too fast. Look for the one who keeps showing up, day after day, without needing to put on a floodlight. Because when the glare fades, what’s left is what truly matters.