In 2025, there’s a noticeable shift happening in dating circles across New Zealand and around the world. Physical attraction still matters, sure. A sense of humour will always be a draw. But there’s one quality that’s overtaken them both in desirability: emotional intelligence.

No longer just a buzzword in leadership seminars or therapy rooms, emotional intelligence—or EQ—is the new dating currency. It’s the quiet confidence of someone who knows how to listen. It’s the way they handle tough conversations without stonewalling or exploding. It’s that sense of inner calm and consideration that makes you feel safe just being yourself. And for many singles, it’s becoming the number one thing they’re looking for.

So what exactly is emotional intelligence in the dating world? It’s the ability to recognise, understand, and manage your own emotions—while also being sensitive to the emotions of others. People with high EQ don’t just communicate; they connect. They’re not just good at reading the room—they care about how you feel in it.

We’ve all been on those dates where someone talks about themselves the whole time or seems emotionally flat no matter what’s being discussed. Compare that to the person who asks thoughtful questions, remembers the small things you mention, and responds with empathy when you share something vulnerable. It’s night and day. One feels like performance; the other, like presence.

And it’s not just about being “nice” or polite. Emotional intelligence includes things like setting boundaries, owning your mistakes, and understanding when to step up emotionally—even when it’s uncomfortable. It’s knowing how to disagree without disrespect. It’s caring about how your actions affect others. It’s being emotionally available—a phrase that’s no longer optional for people looking for serious connection.

Why the shift? Well, after years of dating app fatigue, ghosting, breadcrumbing, and mismatched expectations, people are craving depth. The era of playing games and acting aloof is losing its shine. More singles—especially those in their 30s and 40s—are saying no to the emotionally unavailable and yes to the emotionally mature.

You’ll see it reflected in the bios too. “Looking for someone emotionally intelligent” now appears just as often as “loves dogs” or “enjoys travel.” TikTok creators are making viral content about “green flags” in communication. Podcasts and Instagram reels break down what good listening looks like, what real validation sounds like, and how to apologise with integrity. It’s everywhere.

And the appeal isn’t just emotional—it’s practical. Studies show that couples with high emotional intelligence have more satisfying and resilient relationships. They’re better at resolving conflict, more supportive during stressful times, and more connected overall. In short, emotional intelligence makes love last longer.

But here’s the catch: developing emotional intelligence takes work. It’s not something you’re born with—it’s something you build. That’s why spotting it in a partner can feel so attractive. It says, “I’ve done the inner work. I know how to show up—not just when it’s easy, but when it’s hard.”

So how do you know if someone has it? Watch how they react when plans change. Listen to how they talk about their exes. Notice whether they can sit with uncomfortable emotions or if they run from them. Do they apologise when they mess up? Do they ask how you feel, not just talk about themselves? That’s emotional intelligence in action.

It also means you’ve got to check your own EQ. Are you quick to anger? Do you shut down during conflict? Do you talk, or do you truly listen? If emotional intelligence is what you want in a partner, it’s also what you’ve got to bring to the table.

The good news? It’s a skill you can build. Start by getting curious about your own emotional landscape. Pay attention to what triggers you, and why. Practise empathy in everyday conversations. Learn to pause before reacting. Read books, listen to people’s stories, and be honest with yourself. It’s not always easy—but it is worth it.

In a world that’s getting louder, more distracted, and more chaotic, emotional intelligence is the quiet superpower. It’s what makes you a better partner, a better communicator, and ultimately, a better human.

So if you’re dating in 2025 and wondering what’s really going to make someone swipe right, show them your EQ. Not just in your bio, but in how you show up. Be kind. Be aware. Be real.

Because sexy isn’t just about looks anymore. It’s about how you make someone feel. And nothing feels better than being seen, heard, and understood.