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Just when you think dating culture has run out of ways to describe the strange and frustrating behaviours people adopt, another new word pops up and makes you realise there’s always another layer to explore. We’ve had ghosting, benching, orbiting, and even breadcrumbing. Now the term banksying has started circulating, and if you’ve been anywhere near dating conversations online in the past few months, you’ve probably seen it. Banksying is being called ghosting’s slower, murkier cousin, and once you understand it, you’ll probably recognise it in your own past dating life.

So what exactly does it mean? Banksying is when someone doesn’t disappear completely, but they slowly pull back and fade out of your life in a way that feels deliberate yet impossible to call out. It’s not the clean cut of ghosting, where one day you’re in contact and the next day they’re gone. It’s not even breadcrumbing, where someone keeps stringing you along with small crumbs of attention. Banksying is like a slow leak. They reduce the frequency of their texts, they delay responses longer and longer, they start avoiding plans with vague excuses. They’re not gone, but they’re fading into the shadows, and you’re left in limbo, unsure whether you’re still dating or whether it’s already over.

The term gets its name from the street artist Banksy, famous for his elusive presence — always around but never fully visible, always there in traces but never tangible. That’s exactly how banksying feels in a relationship. You know the person hasn’t left your life completely, but their presence is ghostlike, distant, almost like they’re hiding behind a wall. It leaves you questioning what’s real and whether you should keep investing.

What makes banksying especially frustrating is that it can drag on for weeks or even months. With ghosting, the cruelty is sharp but clear. You know you’ve been cut off. With banksying, the cruelty is prolonged. You still get the occasional message. You might even still meet up occasionally. But you can feel the energy is different. You can feel the disinterest seeping in, even if they never admit it. It’s like being slowly lowered into cold water rather than shoved in all at once. And for many people, that slow drip of rejection feels worse than the clean break.

In New Zealand, where dating scenes are already small and interconnected, banksying is particularly noticeable. In Auckland you might be swiping on apps with the same pool of faces everyone else has seen, and when you finally click with someone, you want it to mean something. If they start banksying you, it’s not just an invisible fade into the digital world. You’re still likely to see them out at bars, at mutual friends’ parties, or even at work. You might still catch them liking your posts on Instagram. The mixed signals make the whole thing messier and harder to move on from.

The psychology behind banksying often comes down to avoidance. People who banksy don’t want to deal with the awkwardness of ending things. They don’t want to say, “I’m not interested anymore.” Instead, they hope you’ll eventually get the hint and quietly walk away. But instead of sparing your feelings, it actually prolongs your pain. You keep waiting for clarity that never comes, and your self-esteem takes hit after hit with every delayed message or cancelled plan.

There’s also an element of selfishness in banksying. The person doing it gets to avoid guilt while still keeping a thread of connection in case they want to come back. They don’t fully cut you off, which means they leave the door slightly open. It’s almost like they’re keeping you on the back burner, but in a less obvious way than benching. They don’t want you, but they don’t want to completely lose the option of you either. That half-presence is confusing and unfair.

If you’ve ever been banksied, you know how much mental energy it consumes. You spend hours analysing their messages, rereading the way they used to talk to you compared to now. You wonder if you’ve done something wrong. You try to convince yourself they’re just busy, or stressed, or dealing with personal issues. And maybe they are. But usually, the truth is simpler: they’ve lost interest but don’t have the courage to tell you.

This is where it’s important to shift perspective. If someone is banksying you, it says more about them than it does about you. It shows their lack of maturity, their inability to communicate directly, and their fear of discomfort. It doesn’t mean you’re unworthy of love or connection. It just means they weren’t the right match for you, because the right match won’t disappear slowly into the shadows. The right match will meet you in the light and stay there.

So what can you do if you sense someone is banksying you? The best move is to reclaim your power by naming it. If you feel the fade, bring it up. Send a message that says, “I’ve noticed our communication has dropped off. Are you still interested in seeing me?” It’s vulnerable, but it cuts through the murkiness. If they are banksying you, this gives them a chance to either own up or keep fading. And if they choose the latter, at least you’ve made the invisible visible, and that makes it easier to walk away.

It’s also worth asking yourself whether you’ve ever banksied someone else. Many people don’t even realise they’ve done it. Maybe you met someone and realised you weren’t that into them, but instead of saying so, you slowly reduced contact. Maybe you thought you were being kind by not being direct, but in reality you just left them hanging. Banksying isn’t always intentional, but it always has consequences. Reflecting on whether you’ve done it can make you more mindful about being clear in the future.

The antidote to banksying, like so many toxic dating behaviours, is honesty. It might feel harsh to say to someone, “I don’t feel the connection anymore,” but honesty delivered kindly is far less cruel than dragging them through weeks of uncertainty. Being upfront respects both them and yourself. It frees you to move on and frees them to do the same.

Banksying is gaining attention because it perfectly describes the slow fade many people have felt but didn’t have a name for. And having a name for something matters. It helps people identify what’s happening and validate their experience. Instead of thinking, “I must be overreacting,” they can say, “No, this is a pattern — and it’s not okay.”

At its heart, banksying reflects a broader challenge in modern dating: the fear of discomfort. People avoid hard conversations, even when those conversations are the very thing that would prevent confusion and hurt. Social media and dating apps make it easier than ever to hide behind silence or half-efforts. But if we want healthier relationships, we have to be brave enough to step out of the shadows.

In the end, being banksied is painful, but it can also be clarifying. It shows you what you don’t want. It shows you the kind of behaviour you won’t tolerate moving forward. And it pushes you to value honesty and consistency more than temporary flattery. The next time you sense the slow fade, remind yourself: you don’t have to wait for someone to fully vanish before you walk away. You deserve someone who shows up, not someone who disappears in slow motion.

Dating will always have its trends, its new words, and its viral buzzwords. But the underlying truth never changes. Healthy love is steady, respectful, and honest. Anything less is just noise — whether it’s ghosting, breadcrumbing, or now banksying. Don’t settle for shadows when what you’re looking for is light.